How To Stop Being A Being a Mr. Nice Guy (2024)

The world presents men with a false dichotomy – They can be a nice guy or a narcissist and that is it. But the Bible presents men with a third choice. Men can choose to be godly, to be Christ-like. And Jesus Christ was neither a nice guy nor a narcissist.

Nice guys seek to please everyone around them to make everyone like them. The narcissist wants everyone to like them too. But more than that, the narcissist believes the world centers around them, that they do no wrong and that people should be lining up to serve them and give them praise. In essence, the narcissist believes they are a god.

Christ Was no Mr. Nice Guy

In Matthew 23:14-17 Christ said the following to the scribes and Pharisees (the Jewish religious leaders):

14 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye devour widows’ houses, and for a pretence make long prayer: therefore ye shall receive the greater damnation.

15 Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye compass sea and land to make one proselyte, and when he is made, ye make him twofold more the child of hell than yourselves.

16 Woe unto you, ye blind guides, which say, Whosoever shall swear by the temple, it is nothing; but whosoever shall swear by the gold of the temple, he is a debtor!

17 Ye fools and blind: for whether is greater, the gold, or the temple that sanctifieth the gold?”

Christ called the scribes and Pharisees “hypocrites”, “blind guides” and “fools”.

None of those things are nice things to say to people. But Christ was not concerned about being nice, he was concerned about speaking the truth and calling out those who preying on the weak and putting undue burdens on the people.

John 2:1-4 tells us the following about a conversation between Jesus and his mother:

“And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there: 2 And both Jesus was called, and his disciples, to the marriage. 3 And when they wanted wine, the mother of Jesus saith unto him, they have no wine. 4 Jesus saith unto her, Woman, what have I to do with thee? mine hour is not yet come.

Contrary to what our Catholic friends believe about Christ and his mother, John 2:4 shows us that Jesus was annoyed by his mother’s request.

When he called her “woman” he addressed her not by her title of mother, but as her subordinate position as a woman. Because Christ’s earthly father Joseph (not his biological father who was God) had passed away, Jesus as the oldest son became his mother’s male head. Therefore, just as Mary’s father, or her husband Joseph could address her as “woman”, so too Jesus could address her as woman. There was no disrespect or sin him addressing his mother as woman.

Jesus also said to her “what have I to do with thee” – in essence he was saying “What does this situation of having no wine have to do with me? Why is this my problem?”

And again, there was no sin in what he said.

Finally, he said “My hour has not yet come”. He was saying that it was not God’s perfect will for him to have his first miracle be him making more wine for wedding after they ran out.

But God also has a permissive will. And that is demonstrate in Christ granting his mother’s request and eventually turning water into wine to solve the problem she brought to him.

Christ was not nice to his mother in this instance. He was annoyed by her request and he showed that annoyance to his mother first before graciously agreeing to her request.

The Bible says the following in Mark 8:31-33:

“31 And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and of the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again. 32 And he spake that saying openly. And Peter took him, and began to rebuke him. 33 But when he had turned about and looked on his disciples, he rebuked Peter, saying, Get thee behind me, Satan: for thou savourest not the things that be of God, but the things that be of men.

Christ was not nice to Peter in the instance above. Calling someone Satan is not a nice thing to do.

In John 2:13-17 the Bible says the following:

“13 And the Jews’ passover was at hand, and Jesus went up to Jerusalem. 14 And found in the temple those that sold oxen and sheep and doves, and the changers of money sitting:

15 And when he had made a scourge of small cords, he drove them all out of the temple, and the sheep, and the oxen; and poured out the changers’ money, and overthrew the tables; 16 And said unto them that sold doves, Take these things hence; make not my Father’s house an house of merchandise. 17 And his disciples remembered that it was written, The zeal of thine house hath eaten me up.”

Christ was not nice to the money changers in the temple who sold oxen, sheep and doves. In their case, he did not just use harsh words, but he whipped them and drove them from the temple. Yelling at people and whipping them is not nice. But that is what Jesus Christ did.

In Matthew 7:29 the Bible says of Christ that “For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.”

Jesus spoke with authority he believed and knew what he was saying was right and there was no waffling on issues with Christ.

In Revelation 3:19, after rebuking his churches and threatening to remove their candlesticks Jesus concluded with the following statement:

“As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten: be zealous therefore, and repent.”

It’s not nice to rebuke and discipline people. But that is what Christ did. And he rebuked and disciplined his church – which is his wife.

The Scriptures we have just looked at prove that Jesus Christ was no Mr. Nice Guy.

He yelled at people, called people names, whipped people and even showed when he was annoyed with people. And he was not a wishy-washy man – he spoke with assertiveness, confidence and authority.

Christ Was No Narcissist

Christ was not self-centered, but instead came in his first incarnation to serve mankind by offering himself for the sins of the world.

In John 10:15 Christ said, “As the Father knoweth me, even so know I the Father: and I lay down my life for the sheep.”

And in Matthew 9:36 the Bible says of Christ that “…when he saw the multitudes, he was moved with compassion on them, because they fainted, and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd.”

In Matthew 14:16-23 Jesus performed a miracle by feeding 5000 people with only five loaves and two fishes. Jesus was generous and sought to help people with their needs.

Jesus showed the perfect combination of mercy and toughness when he said to the woman taken in adultery in John 8:11 “…Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.”

Jesus taught men to be humble and demonstrated that humility by washing the feet of his disciples in John 13:1–5.

Christ was no narcissist – he was sacrificial with his life and compassionate toward others. He was also merciful and generous toward others. These qualities are utterly absent in narcissists.

What did Jesus calling himself a servant mean?

Christians today who advocate for men to be Mr. Nice Guys often point to this passage from Matthew 20:26-28 to bolster their false claims:

“26 But it shall not be so among you: but whosoever will be great among you, let him be your minister; 27 And whosoever will be chief among you, let him be your servant:

28 Even as the Son of man came not to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give his life a ransom for many.”

They take passages like Matthew 20:26-28 along with John 13:1–5 to try and paint a Jesus who was always seeking to please others – to be the ultimate Mr. Nice Guy.

But the truth is that the primary way Christ came to serve mankind was not to wash people’s feet. It was not even to heal people or feed people. And it certainly wasn’t to please people and make people happy. Christ came to serve by giving “his life a ransom for many”. He came to meet the greatest need we had.

And this is the calling of men as they seek to imitate Christ with their lives. Men should seek to meet the greatest needs of others. Not the wants and desires of others.

Christ Was Neither Selfish nor Selfless

A narcissist is a selfish person – they only think of their own needs and desires.

A nice guy appears to be a selfless person, a person who never seeks to meet their own needs or desires but instead is always seeking to meet the needs and desires of others.

However, nice guys are seeking to meet their own need in seeking to please others – their need for the love and approval of others.

In Luke 22:41-44 we read the following account of Christ:

“41 And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed, 42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. 43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Christ was neither selfish nor selfless. He did actually consider his own needs and desires as seen in Luke 21:41-44:

41And he was withdrawn from them about a stone’s cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,

42Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.

43And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.

44And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground.”

Christ considered himself and the pain, humiliation and agony he would face and asked God the Father if he could find another way to accomplish his plan. God the Father’s ultimate answer was no and Christ told him “nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done”.

Christ sometimes would pause his teaching and healing and just get away from everyone to have time by himself to pray and meditate as he did in Luke 5:15-16.

“15 But so much the more went there a fame abroad of him: and great multitudes came together to hear, and to be healed by him of their infirmities. 16 And he withdrew himself into the wilderness, and prayed.”

It is interesting that the Bible also says the following about the wilderness to husbands in Proverbs 21:19:

“It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman.”

So maybe it is a good and healthy thing for men to sometimes get away from their wives and spend time alone?

The True Definition of Selfishness according to the Bible

The Bible gives us the definition of selfishness in Philippians 2:4:

“Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.”

The key word in Philippians 2:4 is “also”.

A person is not selfish for looking to meet their own needs and desires. A person is selfish when they ONLY consider their own needs and desires and never look to meet the needs and desires of others.

Christians who promote the false idea that Christ was a Mr. Nice Guy who only lived to please others will try and make men feel selfish if they ever seek meet their own needs and desires. In fact, the masculine nature itself is often portrayed as selfish.

Men are taught that they are selfish for pursuing their own hobbies, wanting to be away sometimes from their wives and family and spending time pursing their careers. Men are also taught their strong physically based desires for sexual pleasure are selfish and wrong and that they should only want sex when and how their wives desire it.

But this portrayal of masculinity is utterly false and unbiblical.

What does the Bible say it means to be man?

While it is true that both men and women should seek to emulate Christ and to be godly there is another truth that is extremely politically incorrect.

This truth is found in 1 Corinthians 11:7-9:

“7 For a man indeed ought not to cover his head, forasmuch as he is the image and glory of God: but the woman is the glory of the man. 8 For the man is not of the woman: but the woman of the man. 9 Neither was the man created for the woman; but the woman for the man.”

1 Corinthians 11:7-9 reveals the reason that God created men and women. He created men to image him, to live out the attributes of his masculine nature. But in order to for man to live out the attributes of God’s masculine nature, man needed a weaker version of God’s image, a person who would need his strength, his leadership, his provision and his protection. God also loves beauty and pleasure – so he made woman beautiful and to bring pleasure to man.

My point is that while both men and women are called to be Christ-like, there are certain aspects of Christ’s nature that only men should imitate.

For example, women should seek to speak with authority and assertiveness to men around them. Women should certainly not make publicly confront people and make scenes as Christ did in the temple when he drove out the money changers.

But men can and should seek to emulate all these masculine qualities in Christ.

There is nothing wrong with a woman trying to be Mrs. Nice Lady. Women should be nice. Men should not be nice. Men can and should be kind where they can be, but they should NOT be living to please everyone around them to gain their approval.

If you want to learn how to stop being a Mr. Nice Guy using Biblical principles that teach men how to men I encourage you to listen to my podcast series below.

How To Stop Being A Being a Mr. Nice Guy (2024)

FAQs

How To Stop Being A Being a Mr. Nice Guy? ›

This is sometimes referred to as "nice guy syndrome", which is used to describe a sense of entitlement to sexual or romantic attention from women simply for being "nice", and irrational anger when that attention is not reciprocated.

What is nice guy syndrome? ›

This is sometimes referred to as "nice guy syndrome", which is used to describe a sense of entitlement to sexual or romantic attention from women simply for being "nice", and irrational anger when that attention is not reciprocated.

How do you lose nice guy syndrome? ›

Reclaim your masculinity

This involves taking part in hard physical activities as part of reclaiming your masculine energy. You should spend more time tapping into your masculinity as opposed to doing the same things you did as a nice guy. This helps to break the cycle.

How to stop being the nice person? ›

How Can You Stop Being Nice?
  1. Step 1: Write Your Own Rules. ...
  2. Step 2: Commit to the Process. ...
  3. Step 3: Establish Boundaries. ...
  4. Step 4: Prioritize Yourself. ...
  5. Step 5: Embrace Your Full Self. ...
  6. Step 6: Speak Your Mind.
Oct 20, 2023

How to stop being a nice guy at work? ›

How To Stop Being Too Nice At Work
  1. Be Direct About What You Want. ...
  2. It's Not Being Mean, It's Being Firm. ...
  3. Bring Topics Up When You Aren't Emotional. ...
  4. Use Silence To Your Advantage. ...
  5. Come In Prepared. ...
  6. Avoid A Challenge. ...
  7. Think Of It As Not Stalling Your Career. ...
  8. Collaborate Instead Of Combat.
Aug 29, 2016

What is nice guy weakness? ›

Persona 4 Golden

Nice Guy is now weak to Ice. However, it cannot be rendered Dizzy and now has Wall skills and Re Patra to counteract these new weaknesses during the fight, which make him remain as the priority target to defeat in the fight. Tough Guy is now weak to Fire and no longer absorbs physical attacks.

How do you break the nice guy stereotype? ›

Another way you can stop being a Nice Guy is by putting yourself first. If Nice Guys are selfishly unselfish when prioritizing others, Ideal Men must be unselfishly selfish by putting themselves first. According to Glover, there's only one way to become unselfishly selfish: Take responsibility for your needs.

What is the psychology behind nice guys? ›

Always ready to help and known for rarely- if ever- saying no, they quickly develop a reputation as a nice guy. Often, this form of NGS is a result of having low self esteem or self confidence, and their people pleasing behaviors often leave them feeling unfilled and dissatisfied.

Is being too nice a red flag? ›

Sometimes, too nice really is a red flag. Someone who seems too nice could actually be love bombing you, an early warning sign of abuse, for instance. "Although on the surface, you may feel someone is too nice, it's actually your intuition trying to give you a subtle warning that something is off," Nikhade says.

Why is being nice a turn off? ›

"But when someone is too nice, it conveys a lack of boundaries. It may be a signal that they are not taking care of themselves and their own needs first." People who are too nice tend to put everyone else, especially their partner, first. They're selfless, overly positive, and can easily be manipulated.

How do I practice not being nice? ›

Here are 10 ways to be less nice and more free:
  1. Make Your Needs Known. ...
  2. Say What You Mean. ...
  3. Nip Bad Behavior in the Bud. ...
  4. Be Honest. ...
  5. Think in Terms of Respect. ...
  6. Stand Up for Yourself. ...
  7. “Interrupt” People. ...
  8. Say No Way More Often Than You Say Yes.
Sep 6, 2021

Why am I always the nice guy? ›

Nice Guy behaviors emerge as a result of the strategies they learned during their childhood to cope with abandonment. Even if these strategies do not work, Nice Guys keep applying them because they are the only thing that they know.

How do I stop coming across as a nice guy? ›

Breaking the Nice Guy Habit: How to Stop Being a Nice Guy
  1. Just Because You're Not “Nice” Doesn't Mean You're Mean. ...
  2. Recognize That You Have a Problem With Being Too Nice. ...
  3. Stop Saying Yes. ...
  4. Learn to Exist Without Approval. ...
  5. Start Taking Control of Your Life. ...
  6. Set Clear Intentions In Your Relationships.
Jan 28, 2023

What is the nice guy syndrome and narcissism? ›

Like manipulative kindness, but the nice guy narcissist is not genuinely kind. This nice behavior is a means to gain trust or control over a situation and is highly manipulative. They will go above and beyond to help people, and as a result, people's view of them will be that this is a very nice person.

What is nice guy syndrome childhood? ›

The Roots of the Syndrome

Unable to meet his own needs, the overwhelmed child had to depend on others, while feeling like a disappointed, helpless victim. As an adult, Mr. Nice Guy often thinks, “You're not helping me and giving back.

What is the syndrome being too nice? ›

Williams syndrome is called the happy syndrome because people with this condition often have outgoing, friendly personalities and tend to be very social. They may have a unique ability to connect with others and form strong bonds, making them appear very happy and engaging.

What is the nice guy paradox? ›

The nice guy stereotype asserts that, although women often say that they wish to date kind, sensitive men, when actually given a choice, women will reject nice men in favor of men with other salient characteristics, such as physical attractiveness.

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